There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
