Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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