im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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