she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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