we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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