The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
