i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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