God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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