there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
