College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
