its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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