im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
