I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
