i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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