i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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