so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
