my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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