I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
my shit smells like andre
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
