Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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