remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
