Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
