At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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