Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
