I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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