Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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