Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
