Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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