how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I queefed so loud it echoed.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
