she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
