I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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