david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
