Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize