I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
