Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
