So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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