Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
