A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I didn't shave. On purpose
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
