You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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