I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
