I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
