ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
