I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize