I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
