just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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