My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
