I wish my penis had an off switch
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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