Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
