and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
