girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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