i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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