his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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