dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
