I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
