i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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