This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
