After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
