i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I'm too high and old for this...
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
