Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
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