There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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