He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
