There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
this hospital has no fireball
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
