drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
