Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
