Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
