tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
